Christmas Season And The Irony Of It

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Last Saturday, I was supposed to go to a party with my former colleagues.  I originally confirmed my attendance but when these anxiety attacks started to kick in, I just told a close friend of mine that I can't make it.  I did not give her a lengthy explanation and all I said is that I'm in a really bad place right now and I just can't let them see me like this.  My friend knows what I meant.  She knows that I want to be left alone.

This is not the first time I tried to shut myself from the outside world.  Before, I stopped seeing old friends and I avoided opportunities to talk to people about my condition.  I refrained from doing my usual activities and totally embraced solitude.  That is what I am doing right now.

Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide or anything of that sort.  I just feel so lonely.  This year has been a terrible one filled with disappointments.  The last few month were the hardest and what I think brought me to this point.  There is just nothing to smile and be happy about.  And I dont want people to see me miserable.  I feel like I've disappointed them big time.  While everyone else seems to be happy with their relationships, with their careers and even with the way that they look, here I am making stupid decisions with my career and my finances.  Being the under achiever that I've always been.  Heck I'm even an under achieve when it comes to my diet and weight management.

What's worse, the Christmas season is not helping me at all.  This is the first time I don't feel like joining everyone else in the festivities.  It's so ironic that Christmas is the season that compels you to socialise, rebuild ties and rekindle friendship and I chose to hide myself under a rock.

I have another invitation for a dinner party.  This time, with my long time college friends.  Some of them will be coming home from abroad so it is really a big deal.  I did not commit to anything yet but most likely, I'll ditch this one too.

I just want this phase to be over soon.  I want something to be happy about.  Something to be thankful for, something to celebrate.  Something that would make me feel that it's Christmas.