Keep Calm and Call Your Friends

Sometimes you think the universe is conspiring against you.  I'm in a dark place right now.  Perhaps, this is what you call midlife crisis.  Right now, I'm not sure I know what I want to do in life.  I'm lost, trying to find direction.  After years of living a driven and focused life, a "career man" so to speak, now here I am trying to waste all of that because I just don't want to deal with all the BS that I'm used to facing head on anymore.  I just want to take a break and be lazy for once.

Yesterday, I finally mustered the courage to let my friends know about my latest ordeal.  I have to admit that I hardly open up to people, even to the closest of friends so this is really tough for me.  With the four of us sitting at a round table, cups of coffee infront, a sea of people as our backdrop, I dropped the bomb. As expected, they were all in shock as they never thought I would be in that kind of situation.  They were so amazed at how clever I made it look to them that I'm still going to work (two of them are actually my housemates).  I told them how much I wanted to have a break and not worry about work but I cant help but crave for monotony and routine and it pains me.  For the first time, I did something without a back up plan.  I told them how unsure I was of what to pursue.  Perhaps its the time I start chasing my dream and go the creative route.  Or suck it up and just continue where I left off.  The confession is an ordeal in itself, specially when people would often seek me out for career advice.  Looks like the tables have turned and now, I'm the one in need of it.

After they have said their piece, I still dont know what to do.  I'm still confused.  I still have this problem sticking under my nose.  But then, I realised that I knew better than that.  I was not looking for a solution to my issues.  That was never the intention.  Friends will not always be able to take you out of your misery.  At the end of the day, only I would have the solution.

However, friends exist to be there with you when you need them.  To be the shoulders you can cry on.  To be the ears who will listen when you think no one hears you.  To be your warm bodies when you feel you're alone in the cold.  I appreciate being able to tell them my problem when I know other people would have judged me.  I cherished having them on my side when the world seem to gang up on me.

At the end of it all I just want to know that I'm not alone, and it was very liberating to be able to tell them my story.  I almost chocked but I had to trust them to be the awesome friends that they are.  I should start trusting them more with the things that plague me, I owe to them.  And I'm glad I did.

The Hiatus

This year, I started this blog to commemorate my 30th birthday.  It is not the first time I started a blog, I've maintained one during my younger days and managed to update it quite regularly.  Up until several years ago when I hardly find inspiration to write.  These bits of urges tend to dissipate whenever I get infront of my laptop.  All those nice ideas gone in a matter of seconds after opening my account.  So I decided to quit it altogether.

Its very had to believe that as I grow older, as I gain more life experiences, the less I wanted to write.  After going through three years of relationship bliss and heartbreak and several years of highs and lows in my career, I still could not find something interesting to write.

But recently, I decided not to quit but to but to consider that phase as just a hiatus.

It's quite ironic that the time I decided to end my hiatus from writing is also the time I decided to declare a hiatus from a different part of my life - my career.

Today marks my first day of being unemployed.  From the moment I stepped out of the university, I already started working and would have since then moved from one company to another without taking a break.  Usually, I had everything all planned out.  But this time, I left without a single clue what I'll do next.  So I guess I'll really bum myself out for quite a bit.

I'm lucky to have been able to save enough money to afford a break from work.  The thought of looking for another job has not crossed my mind yet.  Right now my priority is to enjoy my time not worrying about work and all the crap that it brings.  Hopefully, I'd have more time for things that I missed doing.